Stumbling into a New Year; Watching in Faith

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go?”

John 6:67-68

I have traveled to destinations where what I see when I look is more of the same. Places where the horizon promises very little but more steps, often on already tired feet. As this new year opens, in all of its grey January glory, the forecast heralds monotony, and places I am not sure I want to be. Yet, here I am.

I could bounce in with hopeful promises of new things and grand victories leading to shiny cities. But my countenance is more reflective of someone digging in for mental and emotional survival (if you wake in the night, do not read the news, not even a glimpse. First you will have to go through the mental agony of deciding what is true, and second, well, second if any of it is true we are in for a long season). I like shiny things and perfect lighting, but difficult to conjure when grey has taken hold as the primary color of the landscape.

There are dances of promise spoken over my life but all seem far off and long awaited and holding on is frankly hurting my hands, and my heart. My mind is trained to recite these promises, but what to do when they begin to sound more like a broken record and doubt settles in like a Michigan January sky?

I watch and pray as someone lost in a desolate landscape. I search continually for something, now knowing what I am searching for. I stumble along.

Grace comes in this desolate place. It comes in words from friends, from parents, from my Bible, bringing encouragement to fuel pressing forward. Grace comes in the breaking of a night sky to reveal a few stars or a hazy moon (even if the Quadrantid meteor shower is hiding). Grace comes in the voice of sweet neighbor kids sharing the details of how they managed to construct their snowman. Grace finds me.

In never-ending landscapes, grace comes as direction. My faith is sufficiently solid that despite whatever grey I am feeling, I believe wholeheartedly that God will honor obedience. So I will myself to be joyful, to pray, to count my thank-you’s (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Philippians 4:4), to keep seeking (Jeremiah 29:13), I will myself to remember (Deuteronomy 8). So many of His promises start first with instruction, as simple obedience opens my eyes to a different path, another way.

I am struck by the question Jesus offers His chosen Twelve in John 6, “you too, will you also leave?” Jesus asks this question after many of His followers had turned to go back, back to their before Christ lives. Not surprising as He had just finished talking about eating His flesh and drinking His blood. A pointed message to weed out true followers. Peter’s answer though, “Lord, to whom shall we go? We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God”. I can imagine Peter’s thoughts…but exactly what were you talking about back there, and where are we going?

Here I am. I have no idea, except it does not appear to be winsomely inviting nor where I thought I would be. I am relating with Peter, but where else would I go? Whom else would I follow? I know who my God is, who my Jesus is. My hope feelings are grey, but that impacts His purpose, His promises, not at all. Perhaps tangible hope looks an awful lot like small steps of obedience.

And so I walk.

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• So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen (2 Corinthians 4:18)
• And we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5)
• But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope (Galatians 5:5)
• Finally, be strong in the LORD and in His mighty power (Ephesians 6:10)
• But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining forward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for with God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:13-14)
• Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 3:6)