Hope for the Holidays; the Single Momma Way
God sets the lonely in families.
Psalm 68:6
This is my ninth turn at the holiday season being a single momma. If this is your first or even your second turn, it gets better, I promise. I am not able to tell you how long it will take before it is better, it just will be, someday. My first year, I spent Thanksgiving at my parent’s house, not even without my kids, crying in a corner in an upstairs bedroom. Alone, not because they were trying to stay away from me, but because alone was how I could manage. Fast forward to Christmas of the same year (celebrated after Christmas) and there is a journal entry from 29 Dec 2012 that reads, “And for a moment I was happy, and I recognized what it was.” This entry is followed by an observation that I had made about E and Anna, “They approach their legos so differently. He with deliberation, following each step in the order it is presented. She, willy-nilly (actually finished the last page first), with her tongue sticking out and her hair in her face. Each though, finished just fine.” I remember that moment distinctively, relief that we had made it through and could settle into lego building and resting through the sleepy season of January.
For those who are new on this path, I offer below some wisdom (such is the gift of getting older, learning now what I needed to know quite a few years ago) that was acquired while living through more than one difficult holiday season. It is easy to rattle off ten how-to tips, much more difficult to take the thousand journeys required to get to the other side of those steps. This isn’t, after all, a how-to life, much more like one foot in front of the other kind of living.
So here we go…
No. 1. Keep only your favorite traditions, take the opportunity to make new ones.
No. 2. If this will be your first Christmas morning away from your children, make plans. It may be easier if your plans are outside the norm, e.g, volunteer, go to work (sometimes…), hike, camp, try the theater, spend time with friends, travel. Choose activities that require mental engagement (go easy on the emotional engagement) and this will help keep you from sliding into a pit.
No. 3. Do not celebrate the main event until you have your children with you. If Thanksgiving falls on Monday and Christmas morning falls on December 27, great, wonderful. Chances are you will get some last minute deals, will enjoy the excitement of waiting a little longer, and most importantly your children will remember that no matter what, the main event includes them.
No. 4. Breathe. Step outside away from the noise. Those first few seasons are really difficult. Anxiety will be close (somehow it invites itself in and stays well beyond its welcome), especially as you interact with your extended family (there is something safe about being within the four walls of your own home). The cousins, the perfectly married siblings (which, of course, is not a thing…), these may well leave you feeling very single, very alone and quite messed up. If you need a moment away from the merry-making, take it. A walk in the cold air does wonders to reset your feet and your mind.
No. 5. Work your thank you muscles. Keep up with your thankful list (if needed, carry it with you). This is a great way to fight off self-inflicted pity parties, tears, and a general sense of having to do this on your own. Be thankful, be thankful, be thankful. (Think of this as a mighty sword-like weapon that can only be properly wielded in your hands! Imagine that. Like Wonder Woman, only without the lasso.)
No. 6. Find paths that end in laughter, preferably the full tummy, I can’t breathe kind of laughter. Choose fun activities that demand not just your full attention but also that of your children (remember, they are seated on the struggle bus with you!) like sledding (yes, you should take a turn as well on that sled, just remember it hurts more now than it did when you were the little one), snowman building, pillow fights, midnight angel making under the stars, campfires that include melted marshmallows. Let your body catch up with your heart, get it tired. Laugh.
No. 7. Mark up your calendar, post it on the fridge. Make it a visual reminder that there are good days coming, and coming soon. Practice the discipline of looking forward (later you may practice the discipline of living in the present, but at this time, looking forward very well may save your heart). This will help you get through long days when your children are not home. Don’t be afraid to step out and make plans without them too!
No. 8. If you find yourself stuck in a pit, take your glass of wine and box of chocolate and watch your favorite holiday movie (or an entire series of holiday movies). Cry if you need to, then pull your socks up and get on with it. Remember, it will get better. (Also, if this happens, it may be that you are beyond tired, take time and rest.)
No. 9. Make new friends. You may be surprised how many other individuals have some sort of “gap” in their holidays, and could use a friend to share an evening with.
No. 10. If you happen to have an Italian brother-in-law who likes to step in for the last few hours of the cooking extravaganza, be his sous chef. This requires mental energy and limits having to fake it till you make it during the mingling portion of the evening. If you are most lucky, he will say funny things on the side (that you think are funny, because in fact, you don’t have to live with him) and he will be liberal in filling your small jelly glass with good wine (perhaps this is why he is funny, but ok). Plus, this may get you excused from doing dishes later (without guilt, I might add)…
That first year we cut the tree down ourselves, they were little and I must have been some kind of weakling. Getting it down and into the house required tremendous tenacity, effort and I am sure some kind of great food treat afterwards. But we did it. We still do it (in about 5 minutes). And that is what matters.
If you have great tips to share about your single momma holiday journey, please do so in the comments. I’d love to read about them!
