Love and Let Go; Praying for Adult Children
“You shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to dwell in.” (Isaiah 58:12 ESV)
They grow up. Believe it or not, they do. They begin to build their lives separate from you. Well- kind of, it is not really as separate as they believe it to be. At least not for you. Your own innate tuning to each of them adjusts, focusing more on how they are doing, where they are struggling. Focused more now, because the time you have with them is less. Somehow you learn to soak while proximate, aware the intervals of time without them are stretching longer. There is heartache to it, of course. But also, there is pride, joy, and much cheering from the sideline. The sideline, get comfortable with it. How do you love them more than you did when you were tucking them in, reading their books, listening to their prayers? I do not know, but you do.
Such is the parenting life.
May I propose your energy saved by watching from the sideline is spent on the discipline of prayer? Maybe trade the sideline for the trenches?
As I stand in the sacred circle of prayer with other mommas watching their adult children venture on their own, I have learned our desires and hopes for our children are the same. We talk quietly, weep quietly, cheer quietly, and hope earnestly for these young people. There is a weight to it, knowing more than we may want to know. Knowing less than we want to know. Discerning, reworking the conversations we need to have over and over again in our own minds. Waiting and watching for the right time to talk, only to remain silent. Maybe if they were the same it would be easier, but instead each one navigates their own set of hang-ups differently. Each one receives you differently.
We want the best for them, and often have a fairly specific idea of what that looks like. We mentally project their course, and when they fail to meet the milestones or even be interested in the milestones, we get stuck in our fretting. How much effort do we invest trying to get them to be who we think they should be? How much effort do they invest in trying to balance their love for us, being who we want them to be rather than being authentic to who they were created to be? Are we getting in their way? Worse, are we getting in the way of where their Heavenly Father is working to take them?
Sometimes as we encourage one another, we shrug and remind one another all we can do is pray. All we can do is pray? Really? That is the absolute best thing we can be doing for our emerging adult children. God knows our children. There is no guessing for him. He is not trying to discern when to speak, when to be silent. When to let them fall and when to let them fly. He has plans for these well loved humans, big plans. Lean into his faithfulness to finish what he has started. Be willing to kneel in the trenches, trusting that God loves them more than you do.
When you miss them, pray.
When you are afraid for them, pray.
When you are hurting for them, pray.
When you are frustrated with them, pray.
When you are proud of them, pray.
When you are hopeful for them, pray.
When you have a wonderful evening with them (yes, sometimes this happens), rejoice! – Even when they depart prematurely to do their next thing.
In 1 Samuel Chapters 1 and 2, we find a young woman named Hannah praying earnestly for a child. According to the words found in the ESV (1 Samuel 1:16) she prays with “great anxiety and vexation.” Hannah does have a child and she names him Samuel. After Samuel is weened, Hannah sends him to live with the temple priest “so that he might appear in the presence of the LORD and dwell there forever” (1 Samuel 1:22 ESV). Hannah gives the longing of her heart back to the LORD. God does great things with Samuel’s life, and he does not leave Hannah’s open hands empty.
We have hopes and dreams for our kids. Maybe we want them to have and to be what we have have not had or been. But in our longings for them, we are called to give them back to the LORD. We are to surrender who we think they should be and encourage them to grow into who God has created them to be. This may not look like sending them away to live at the ripe old age of three. But it certainly looks like praying with great earnestness that they would find and be led by the LORD. God loves them more than we do. They are certainly more secure in His hands than in ours.
Heavenly Father, insert yourself into the lives of our children. Reveal to them your splendor, love, and steadfast presence. Advance your kingdom in their lives and through their lives. What we see as obstacles, you see as prerequisites for the plans you wrote before they were a thought. We love them, but you love them more. You have created each one in your image, to seek you, and to know you. Remove that which gets in the way of their redemption story.
Stir our hearts to persist in prayer, because we know you hear us. Give us discernment to know when to speak and when to remain silent, when to walk beside, and when to stay behind and kneel. Let us see you working so we can celebrate with you, and be encouraged by your faithfulness to finish what you have started. Amen.
